Relashio : v0×14 : Unperfected

I don’t know when Spring is; I think it says on my calendar that it’s tomorrow. I’m glad, and yet I’m sad. Time goes by super fast, and it’s hard to hold onto it and want to keep faith when so much is changing so fast.

I thought I had nothing to worry about; it turns out, I have so much to worry about that I don’t know how to take it step by step. They say sometimes the best way to start over is to leave town where nobody knows your name; I’d do that if I didn’t have so many responsabilities wrapped around my neck. I have my mom, whom I can’t leave, and my brother, whom I’ll stop seeing if I leave. I have school, which I can’t abandon…

So much is holding me back, and yet so much makes me want to leave.

I want to experience things in life, I’m tired of living a routine; and yet I hate change. Weird stuff. Maybe I’ll figure it out someday, and maybe someone will help me along the way? Don’t bet on it… but maybe…

I realized something today (the best days are the days I realize something). A lot of the difficulties I have in life regard my past and everything I haven’t let go of (yet). So today, I took a bold move and decided to clean one department: my love life. Let’s not go into details.

I remembered that the best, most consistent changes were when I faced the fact that I needed to change; that it was necessary for my well being and other people’s too.

I think it’s all for the best. I hope my life will get better now. Or maybe it’ll get worse…

So, today was a fine day: woke up, was hella tired, went to work, stayed hella tired, came back home, blogged about it.

One thing though, that I learned, is that I seriously do still need some alone time, and lots of it. I think being around people is tiring me a little. Maybe tomorrow I’ll work in the conference room.

That said, I’m in no mood to deal with bullshit, which is what my life is made of right now. I spend my time trying to figure out what’s real from what’s not, and I doubt all the time that everything around me is fake. It’s hard to trust people; I don’t know if I have a problem with it, or if I’m just not surrounded by the right kind of person.

It’s a lot harder when you put your faith in someone and they end up making YOU look bad so THEY can look good; and it’s even worse when you know you can’t defend yourself because no one wants to hear a word of argument. What is said first is the only thing that’s believed in. I hate it.

I need to fix my world. I refuse to have this life.

Today was one of those good days, I guess you could say. I’m not at all saying things are turning around for me; I’m aware this isn’t going to just take a few days, but some things seem a lot clearer in my head today. Some. Not all.

Am I ready to face the world? Not quite, I think I still have a lot to go through before I learn to think for myself and to make myself happy. I really feel like there was a time I knew about all that, I just don’t remember how I lost it. I must have forgotten about it. I guess, by hearing all the time that I don’t think about other people, it made me want to care about the rest of the world so much, but I realize now that all my attempts to “control” what was going on around me were attempts to be happy.

I, as well as people, need to learn how to face the truth to change; I’m facing mine, I’m not happy and I’m trying to be. That’s all there is to it. I guess, if you hate it, then don’t be a part of my life, but for a moment there, I will need to focus on me a lot more than I have in the past few years.

I’m sorry in advance, but I know I shouldn’t be.

Today I learned something really important about myself: I’m not at all fearless. About anything.

My boss asked me if I wanted to go see a client to install antiviruses, and I said no; because I was scared. Of failure? Well, all of the time, but also, of going somewhere I’ve never been to before - and by myself. He seemed confused, because I seem so outgoing. I was surprised too, of how I felt. I wanted to go, but I was afraid. Me? Afraid of people? Really? I had no idea, and I’m not even being sarcastic.

Then, my mom picked me up and she asked me to go to a travel agency to ask for pamphlets…and freakazoid, guess what? I felt SCARED. Again. I was, literally, freaking out. So finally, we didn’t go, but that was mostly because all the ones we knew were closed.

I learned today, though, that I only seem fearless because I’m in my comfort zone. I know my world and I know where I am right now, but I hate not knowing where I’m going or where I am; or even who I’m with. It scares me like there’s no tomorrow (although not as much as I’m scared of spiders, but that’s a whole other issue).

I’m scared of the world, and I’m scared as hell of taking chances. Not many people know that about me, I guess, since a lot of people think “everything comes to me” - it’s true, I may not have lived failure that many times in my life, but that’s mainly because there are a lot of things I refused to try. If I tried more, I’d fail a lot more, it’s just common logic. I never ‘try’, I do when I’m sure.

So today wasn’t such a waisted day. It ended with a few tears because my mom doesn’t understand everything I may be feeling. Something about my brother. And how he got a lot more lucky than me in a lot of things. But that’s another issue too. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother dearly.

Yesterday was a rainy day. I didn’t think so, because when I left home, I had my sunglasses on, but when I came home I had my umbrella out. The useless said, yesterday was a good day for me. For so long, I’ve missed having dinner with the girls, but it was nice; I learned a lot of things.

First off, I guess I thought they’d stop being my friends as I’d grow up, because I’m so utterly different it’s kind of lonely, but I realized that no matter how much we all change, we’re still together, and now it’s no more bullshit about backstabbing each other or telling each other secrets; it’s all about listening and talking to each other because all of our new friends haven’t known us as long as we’ve known each other: 8 years. So I learned that I was still worth listening to, and that all these people cared about when it came to my stories, is knowing that I’m okay, happy and healthy.

I was also glad I felt like I cared about these girls, not because I had to since I was a part of the circle, but because I hold them close to me even though I see them only once a month.

I also learned that I’m not ready to grow up. My boss once told me that I’m in my comfort zone right now, and I don’t want to leave it (like everybody) - he was right. But I learned that I can face leaving my comfort zone as long as I know these girls are behind me, which is how things are.

I used to think it wasn’t healthy, hanging out with them, but I’m learning now that it’s what I need to figure things out, because they’ve known me for so long and they know who I used to be, before I came…this.

Anyway. Today I had a lot of ‘me’ time, and it was a lot of fun too. I’m just feeling these are all steps to the right direction. I’m not ready to go back to feeling like everything is my responsibility and that I need to watch every single of my moves because somebody, somewhere, might be judging me. I love being by myself, alone, or being with the girls. I feel safe right now.

Maybe it’s the weather, maybe I’m dying for a change. Maybe my life’s too methodical and calculated.

I came home today, and received a rejection letter from a University - it’s not that I’m not used to being turned down, I’m just not used to being turned down for reasons like this: I forgot to pay my admission fee. It’s things like these that make you feel like, either you’re doing too much with your life, either you’re not taking care of it enough and you should do more. I don’t know which one it is.

I think I resent my life so much, for giving me friends who study so much (something I greatly respect) I can’t see them, for giving me a mom who leaves town every now and then to go on vacation while I can’t go because…well, I don’t want to go alone, for giving me only one thing left to hold on to: work. So much, that I feel like I owe it to myself to work until it kills me. Wow, suicidal thought, that’s a bad sign and a little scary.

I like to write down my feelings, it just makes it easier for me afterwards not having to think about them again.

But as I said, today should’ve been a beautiful day: it was sunny, it’s getting a lot warmer…and yet I could not get myself to smile. I’m not like this, and I hate being like this, and yet this is how I am right now. I could hate myself for it, but we all know that doesn’t lead to anything good.

When I left work today, I saw the sun was gone and the clouds were parading in the sky. I realized maybe it was still too soon for me to be happy.

What happened to everything I’ve worked for? Lately, I just feel like everything’s going backwards, like a sign that I left things behind while I decided to move on and build some sort of future; like I was being pulled back because it wasn’t my time to be an adult yet. I have a lot of things I need to take care of; friends I forgot about, a life I used to enjoy, and great feelings I don’t remember of.

Either this is a burnout, or depression. Or the weather.

Running away still seems like a fine idea. The day I’ll post a blog that talks about only one thing and seems coherent, that’ll be my last post and the end of my new journey towards trying to learn who I really am. Let’s face it: I’m not a people person. Nobody can tell how I feel, because I can’t communicate that.

I’ll write it; they’ll read. If they care.

I could have worded this differently than on my other blog, but it was all well said so here’s a copy-paste situation…

I think between the time I graduated from High School and right now, I may have turned the page to a new life and let go of the life I had. For the past few days, however, a lot of my past has returned to haunt me, bringing back the life I used to have and could have had right now if I made bad decisions.

I’m just getting really tired of all the crap I need to face just beacuse my past insists on following me around, for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. You know, it’s not hard to be like me: get a job and stop going out to drink. Be responsible and stop juding people. It’s karma, jeez.

Except karma doesn’t work with me: I don’t look for trouble, and yet here I am, being told I need to get a life, because apparently a life without them is no life at all. But why should I feel like I need to hang out with them if all I hear from them is that I don’t go out, make more money than them and should treat them to food and drinks for the reason that I get paid more than they do.

I’m not made of money, for one, and also, I deserve all I’ve accomplished. I’ve sacrificed a lot to have the life I’m living right now, and I don’t think it’s theirs to decide what my next move will be, because for the past few years I’ve been listening to my own guts and it seems to be working pretty well for me so far.

I woke up this morning, finished the curtains that separate my boyfriend’s room and my boyfriend’s uh… work place… thing. Whatever it is. And then, I made the bed, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the furnitures, thought of a menu for tonight and um… that’s it! But you can’t say that’s not much, mostly considering sometimes I go to his house just to clean his bathroom ^_^;;

Anyway, so why was today cleaning day? Seems like Spring swung by a while ago and fall’s catching up to us. Truth is, we’re having a diner here with an old classmate of my boyfriend’s and old work colleague (its the same guy) and an old teacher of ours (we went to the same college, in the same program). Yeah! So I’m about to cook… lol. I’m just taking a break, but I need to finish cleaning the dishes.

By the by, my boyfriend’s not being an ass and doing nothing why I do all of that. He mopped the floors, cleaned dishes (we just had a lot, I guess), cleaned the bathroom and went food shopping for me ^_^ LOL. We look like an old couple? I guess.
Much love.

Today I had school, and I just went through a lot of frustration when the teacher decided to make us do stuff we haven’t even learned yet. And when I got mad, he told me he wasn’t going to “listen to me speak to him that way”. Whatever that meant in his language, in mine it just means hes denying his incompetance and refuses to realize that someone else is seeing it too. Damn right. You know why? Because I hate stupid, and making us do that was stupid. Mostly after he said something around the lines of, “I’m aware you haven’t learned that yet, we were supposed to do that together, but we didn’t. So you didn’t know how to do it.”

I accept the fact that he may not have known our level of knowledge, but to admit that he knew and still went on with the ridiculous idea is beyond dumb. Just not a way to teach something. I’m frustrated just to type about it, jeez.

Also, I was gonna leave class with a pile of blank sheets, cause I hate the fact that we keep running after sheets of paper to feed the printer, and he refused to let me leave the class with them. I PAID FOR IT WHEN I APPLIED AT THE SCHOOL.

And he’s paid to teach, he should go do that.